"Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky famously advised parents not to rebuke their children for behaviors they’ll naturally outgrow"

Not Done Growing [Dream On]

I so enjoyed reading Gila Arnold’s “Dream On” and was sorry to see the story end. I’ll miss her characters — particularly ZeeZee, who was always just so much fun.

And I really admired her — to me, she was the hero of the story. ZeeZee was so misunderstood by her parents, siblings, and school, so looked down upon because of her impulsivity, her sense of adventure, her out-of-the-boxness. This could have turned her bitter, turned her off Yiddishkeit. Instead, she kept on fighting to show she really was a great girl, with a heart of gold, and lots of energy to do good.

I was also struck by how much ZeeZee matured over the course of the story — she just needed some time to grow up. So often, we are quick to label our teens as “impulsive” or “impetuous” or worse, and we spend so much time trying to change them, fix them, get them back in the box. But a lot of it is just about maturity, and brain development. Sit tight, and buckle in for the ride. They’ll get older and more mature, and many of these problems will fade.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky famously advised parents not to rebuke their children for behaviors they’ll naturally outgrow. That’s easy(ish) to incorporate when they’re five, but so much harder to do at fifteen. At fifteen, even though they look like adults, they’re really, really not. And if you keep trying to fix and change and tweak them, instead of waiting for maturity to kick in, you’re wasting your energy — and straining your relationship.

If you have an impulsive teen, you may be facing behaviors that make your cringe. But before you let your fear for their future get out of hand, keep in mind that chinuch is a long-term goal, and there will be plenty of maturing before — and after — they hit adulthood.

Raizy Berman

Just Three Minutes [A Pitch for Pitching In / Issue 778]

A three-minute egg timer is good for more than eggs! A sand timer helps children bear minor discomforts.

For example, when my three-year-old needed root-canal work, the dentist gave him a sand timer and said, “I’ll finish before the sand goes down.”

My son was so fascinated by the falling sand that he paid no attention to the procedure. I had little three-minute sand timers in every room and also in my purse.

1. Dressing: “Let’s see if you can beat the timer and get dressed before the sand goes down.”
2. Clean-Up: “Let’s see how much we can clean up in three minutes.” (Often, children continue to help even after the three minutes is up. They just needed help overcoming their initial inertia.)
3. Homework: “Can we work on homework for three minutes?” After three minutes, say, “Good for you. Can you do another three minutes?” (If not, then let go!)
4. Wake-Up: “Three more minutes to sleep; then tell your body to get up.”
5. Taking Turns: “Each one gets two turns of the timer to play with that toy.”
6. Listening: “Children, I can’t listen to you all at the same time. Each one has three minutes to talk and then it’s the next one’s turn.”
7. Transition Warning: “You have three more minutes to play (or use the computer or talk on the phone). Then it’s time to eat/do your homework/brush teeth, etc.”
8. Phone Call: “I’m on an important call. It will take three minutes. Hold the timer until I’m done.” Or, “I need the phone. Please finish your call within three minutes.”
9. Time-Out: “I’ll sit with you for three minutes until you calm down.” “Jump on the trampoline for three minutes until you calm down.”
10. Learning: “Let’s see if you can learn one pasuk in three minutes.”
11. Patience: “Hold the timer. I’ll be with you by the time the sand goes down.” “Let’s see how many turns of the timer it will take for the doctor to come.”
12. Ta’anit Dibbur: “It’s too noisy! I need three minutes of total silence.”
13. Gratitude: “Let’s all share our ‘gratitudes’ for three minutes.” A great Shabbos “game”!
14. Procrastinator: “You have three minutes to decide or to get going and do it!”
15. Time Awareness: “We must leave the house in three minutes.”
16. Decisions: “Let me think about that for three minutes before I give an answer.”
17. Spouse: “I need your help for just three minutes.” Or, “I need to talk to you for just three minutes.”
18. Crying Toddler: “Keep crying until the sand goes down. Don’t stop.”
19. Storm Warning: “Kids, I’m about to lose it! Give me three minutes to calm down.”
20. Thank-You Note: “You can use the gift only after you write a thank-you note. It takes less than three minutes!”

Note: The timer cannot be used on Shabbos, as it is medidah (measuring). Find another way to measure, like, “We’ll sing a song until the task is done.”

Miriam Adahan

Reflections on a Compelling Story [Mirror, Mirror / Issue 778]

I just read the fiction story “Mirror, Mirror,” by Rachel newton. What a fabulous piece!

The author is clearly not only talented in creating compelling fiction, but in plumbing the depths of what makes us uniquely human and individual.

I hope she continues writing much more!

Rayzel Reich

Thanks for Your Thank-Yous [Windows / Issue 777]

Dear Elana,

You have changed my life! I was so blown away by your life-altering way of celebrating a birthday — by wishing 100 thank-yous. How remarkable!

There are many who use the occasion of a “birthday” to give, with the well-known custom of bestowing blessings on everyone around them. I have seen them do it with the religious fervor of chassidic rebbes.

Acknowledging what someone has done for me is the foundation of our faith; we are taught to do that each and every day. We begin each morning by acknowledging Him. Modeh Ani...

To hear of someone who expresses gratitude to 100 people around them by thanking them is just unbelievable! What Elana has done is bring it down to a practical level by relating it to human beings — and I just loved the way Bassi Gruen captured Elana’s “gratitude spirit” in her weekly letter.

Do I have to wait for my birthday?

My birthday list, Elana, begins with you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank— you get the idea...

Oh, and happy birthday!

Wishing you many, many more that you will always celebrate with a filled and grateful heart.

Sarah Spero

Baltimore, Maryland

Message from On High [Released / Issue 777]

Your story about chalitzah hit home in a gut-wrenching way.

Our tenth son, Sholom Benayahu a”h, was killed in a hit-and-run incident in Lakewood, on the second night of Chol Hamoed Succos, 5770. Since his death, he seems to have “kept in touch with us,” so much so that I wrote a book about it, Zayis Raanan: The Gift of the Fresh Olive. Here’s the incident, as described in the book, that is relevant to the story about chalitzah.

Over and over, in the months following Sholom’s death, I strongly sensed he was very much is with us.

Wednesday morning, the 10th of the Hebrew month of Av, Elkanah, our seventh son, came to visit us. I had asked him to come by to work on putting up our new succah. While we wouldn’t really need the structure for two months, there was a lot of work to be done, and, given that some of my sons were available, it was a good time to get started. Elkanah brought his newborn son, Yosef Sholom, to visit as well.

Chani noticed a mark on his leg and asked Elkanah what it was. It turns out that Yosef Sholom has a birthmark, the first of our grandchildren (and children, come to think of it) to have one. We made a bit of a fuss over it and how cute it was; it occurred to me that it was in the shape of a kiss, but I didn’t say anything to that effect.

Late that night, I couldn’t sleep and tuned in to a lecture online, featuring Rabbi Mordechai Neugroschel. His subject matter included fascinating insights into the study of Tanach, including the use of language in Tanach, and how individual words and concepts in different settings have specific related meanings.

One of his examples was the use of phrases involving naal (shoe). The first occasion in the Bible when the removal of shoes is mentioned is when Hashem bids Moshe Rabbeinu to remove his shoes at the burning bush. Another example is when Moshe’s disciple Yehoshua is bidden by an angel to do the same thing shortly after he assumes leadership of the Jewish People. Another famous example involves yibum and its alternative, chalitzah.

In his lecture, Rabbi Neugroschel explained the use of the word naal and connected it to Moshe, to Yehoshua, and to yibum. The Zohar explains that the body is the “shoe of the soul.” In order for the soul to fulfill its spiritual function in a material world such as ours, it needs a “shoe,” so to speak, to traverse This World.

When Moshe and Yehoshua each assumed leadership of the Jewish People, their calling was a highly spiritual one. They were bidden to remove their shoes as a symbol of relegating their physicality to a “back burner,” so that they could function on a much higher spiritual plane.

In the case of yibum, the deceased man no longer has a “shoe” in This World, nor does he have progeny who will carry on what should have been his holy life’s work. His brother is bidden to provide a “substitute.” Given that the loyalty of a wife to her husband involves their jointly bringing life into the world, the widow’s aspiration in this regard is crushed if her brother-in-law does not aid her in this endeavor. That is why, if the living brother refuses to participate in yibum, and the alternative chalitzah is performed instead, the widow removes his right shoe before spitting in front of (not at) him.

I heard this lecture within a day of seeing Yosef Sholom’s birthmark. Not only was it in the shape of a kiss, but it was on the right leg, the one used in the chalitzah ceremony. Beyond that, Sholom had just been studying these laws in the weeks before his death. In fact, he and I learned a bit about this topic when we, for one last time, learned Yevamos together a few days before his death.

Though I knew it sounded a bit bizarre, I told Elkanah Thursday morning, “I think Sholom kissed Yosef Sholom on the leg. He wants you to know how grateful he is that you gave him both a “name” and a “shoe” in This World. And I am grateful that G-d gave me children who care so deeply for one another.”

The next evening, a sudden thought occurred to me: Our 11 sons were delivered by several different obstetricians. The OB who delivered Sholom did something that none of the other physicians had done. Her firm sent us a small gift — a promotional item — shortly after he was born. We have actually kept the memento on display for years.

The item is a small ceramic shoe.

A picture of the shoe is attached.

It is also interesting to note that the date when Sholom and I learned Yevamos for the last time was the 12th of Tishrei, 5770. In the next Daf Yomi cycle, the same page of Yevamos came up on the 12th of Tishrei.

Finally, the story you published about chalitzah was published the same week I began a new learning seder; without knowing about the article, we also learned the same page, Yevamos 2.

Shabse Werther

Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel

A Moving Note [Editor’s Letter / Issue 777]

I totally relate to the first item on Mrs. Gruen’s list of things that bring you pleasure. The song “Shabbos,” sung by Abe Cohen and Rivie Schwebel, is one of my family’s favorites. It’s as hartzig and heilig as any song you’ll ever hear.

At the onset of the Covid pandemic, Partners in Torah joined forces with Abe to capture the song’s beauty through this moving music video, which already had some 210,000 views.

To give credit where credit is due, Abe and Rivie did an amazing job, but it’s worth noting that the song was composed by singer and songwriter Yosef Schick. (Full disclosure: He’s my son-in-law.)

Rabbi Eli Gewirtz

CEO, Partners in Torah

A Gadol’s Leadership [Parshah / Issue 776]

In her parshah column for parshas Beshalach, Faigy Peritzman references Rav Pam ztz”l and his sense of achrayus, responsibility, for the klal. I found it to be so poignantly touching. It’s amazing how Rav Pam took a stand for anything he believed in.

Thirty years ago, three young married women set out to help couples experiencing infertility. At the time, it was an undiscussed topic in the frum world, and so they needed the haskamah of a gadol. They believed that Rav Pam’s haskamah would be accepted by everyone.

Rav Pam wasn’t that well and he really wasn’t accepting appointments. However, once a month he gave shiur for the bochurim in his yeshivah, Yeshiva Torah Vodaath. The women were advised to wait outside the shiur and perhaps get a few moments of the Rosh Yeshivah’s time.

I was one of those women. I had a new baby, born after quite a few years of struggling with infertility, and took him with me so he could get a brachah from the gadol as well.

So there we were, three very excited women, me with my baby on my lap, standing in the lobby of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath waiting to see Rav Pam.

The Rosh Yeshivah and his gabbaim walked right past us to the doors of the beis medrash. We watched the gabbaim open the door and the entire beis medrash stand up. And then, Rav Pam closed the door. A gabbai asked if we were there to see the Rosh Yeshivha and when we said yes, he said after the shiur.

Rav Pam immediately responded, “Nein, yetzt — No, now!”

We were taken into Rav Pam’s office; three women and a little baby boy. I will forever remember the tzaddik’s sweet words as he encouraged us. “The desk you are sitting at has had so many tears shed on it because people do not have whom to speak to. Go for it... I’ll help you... even if I’m not feeling that well.”

He then gave us the name of a rav to be in touch with. More than anything it was a testament to how much he believed in us and our cause.

It is now 28 years later and A TIME, A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange, is a worldwide beacon of hope for thousands throughout the world who struggle with infertility, pregnancy loss, and reproductive health issues.

The sense of achrayus Rav Pam felt as he put aside time from Torah to speak with us not only carries us forward, it has become a banner under which we operate: Every couple, every man or woman who reaches out to us is our responsibility to help.

As I stand by the A TIME Shasathon each year as the lomdim are mesayeim Shas, I imagine Rav Pam viewing the crowds. In his zechus, we continue to do whatever we can for any couple, anywhere, so they can hold on to a little hand and experience the gift of new life.

Brany Rosen

Founder of ATIME and Director of Member Services

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 779)