Just as any profession has some workers who are more skilled and others who are less so, so does the therapy world

Not My Match [Can You Help Me? / Issue 736]

I’ve had a positive therapy experience in the past. But when I started working with a new therapist — who came recommended by two people I trust — things were different. She asked me a lot of detailed questions that had nothing to do with treatment. For example, she asked which therapist a relative of mine was seeing, then suggested that the reason they weren’t doing well was because they needed to switch therapists — yet she was unable to explain why she needed to know this. It was upsetting for me to feel like we were wasting time on irrelevant details.

She also kept trying to problem-solve for me, instead of supporting me through the work. When I shared a problem at home, she wanted to speak to those involved — but I wanted to learn skills that would enable me to deal with those people, instead of having her jump in to save the day. After a few sessions, I ended our relationship — I wasn’t gaining and came out a bigger mess than when I’d come in.

I’m not here to put down therapists; I just want to bring awareness. Just as any profession has some workers who are more skilled and others who are less so, so does the therapy world. Do thorough research, and carefully consider your goals, as well as the therapist’s specialty.

Learned My Lesson

Unsuccessful Isn’t Always Uncaring [Can You Help Me? / Issue 736]

“How to ascertain if your therapist is competent, caring, and the right match for you” is an important question, and for the most part I felt that the piece did a respectable job delineating some of the different factors that determine the success of therapy.

Yet I felt that the narrative woven into the piece conflated two very different points. There is a vast difference between a bad therapist and the wrong match. The article, however, seemed to have been addressing both — without a clear distinction between the two — under the idea of when to end therapy, or when to terminate with one therapist and move on to another.

The story was about a therapist, “Rachel,” who is nasty and manipulative, and clearly doesn’t care about the client. And yes, unsuccessful therapy can occur when the practitioner should not be a therapist, as is the case with Rachel.

But unsuccessful therapy is not always about bad therapists or their overt misdemeanors. That is only one possibility in the sea of many. Sometimes unsuccessful therapy is due to a mismatch between a client and a therapist’s style or approach. Unsuccessful therapy can also occur even after a successful initial round with the same therapist, due to any factor that might affect the homeostasis of the therapist-client relationship — such as a client moving on, wanting to go deeper, or the therapist being no longer equipped to handle the intensity of a client’s emotions or the testing of boundaries as therapy touches new levels.

Rachel’s behavior does not present a wholesome picture of the things that could go wrong. I’m concerned that the juxtaposition of this narrative to the rest of the points in the article will create confusion, sensation, and scare people off. This can perpetuate the bad rap that therapists are already vulnerable to, while not being realistic about the more subtle things that can go wrong in a therapeutic relationship.

I’m not saying that stories like the one presented do not happen, but I am saying that they are exceptions rather than the rule. And that when you make the very brave decision to engage in therapy, and things get uncomfortable and produce anxiety beyond what you feel is reasonable, realize that there are possibly other, more subtle issues at play — and hope that your therapist has the ability to grasp the consequences of unrepaired ruptures, and the ability to be humble, transparent, and willing to admit to their fallibility.

Miriam Bloch

BACP-practicing therapist, Israel/UK

We Need a New System [Can You Help Me? / Issue 736]

I’ve been to a number of therapists in the past 20 years. I learned the hard way that there are better and worse therapists — just like employees, teachers, and cleaning ladies. The problem is that therapy takes so much out of you, financially and emotionally, that if you end up with an unhelpful (or harmful) therapist, it feels like a slap in the face.

There are amazing referral organizations out there that have immeasurably improved the mental health system in our community. The people who work there are models of kindness and patience. But their advice can be limiting — they only have a specific range of information on a specific group of therapists. Maybe there’s no way to fix this problem — they can’t put a camera in every therapy room, and they can’t make it mandatory for every therapist to work with them.

We must develop a more transparent therapy system. If I’m looking into a speech therapist, I can make a few calls to get some client feedback. That won’t typically work for mental health practitioners. Can we make it common practice for therapists to give their supervisor’s number to each new client?

In the meantime, for those in therapy, there are two really important rules: The time frame that Mrs. Levinson mentioned is extremely important and only second to the next rule. Trust yourself. This one can be hard, because many people in therapy aren’t great with trusting themselves in general, but it is crucial.

So after a few sessions of therapy, you need to have a good conversation with yourself about how you feel and where you’re going. At the end of the day, you’re the only one who truly knows.

Been There

Can We Come to the Wedding? [Ink and Stones / Issue 736]

Thank you for the beautiful Pesach edition. It was such a surprise and pleasure to reconnect with Felix and Chasya in “Ink and Stones” by the talented Leah Gebber. Hopefully there will be a second sequel where we can dance at their chasunah.

S. Katz

A Heavy Drinker Isn’t Always an Addict [Inbox / Issue 736]

I wanted to respond to the letter writer S.G. who wrote “Let’s Be Real” about the difficult reality that many women married to men who are heavy drinkers face — their husbands will not think of getting help for their drinking problem, and since they are prominent or wealthy members of the community, no one will rebuke them.

My heart goes out to you and the pain that you are in; it is very real and very valid and heartbreaking. You are very much not alone. Coming from a family history of multiple addictions, I wanted to make two points that you may not have considered.

You were dismissive of the chances that these men would join a 12-Step program, but many of the programs mentioned were not those for the addicts themselves, but for people affected by someone else’s addiction. Even if an addict is too “macho” to go to his own 12-Step program, the rewards you could find by attending an anon program cannot be understated. One of the things you’d learn there is that only the addict can decide when it’s time to deal with the addiction — but there are tools you can use and things you can do to maintain your healthy life, despite your spouse actively behaving like an addict.

But secondly, and this is difficult, there’s always the possibility that someone presenting dreadful behavior like drinking to excess in a way that negatively affects their marriage is not actually an addict. He could just be a person making destructive, selfish choices. Not all horrible recurrent behavior is actually addiction. Not all heavy drinkers are alcoholics; not all thieves are kleptomaniacs; not all gamblers are gambling addicts.

This is both very daunting but also hopeful. An addict has an illness; they can recover but they can never be cured. In contrast, a non-addict has possibilities of different changes, be that through middos development, marriage therapy, teshuvah, or indeed 12-Step programs.

Everyone’s journey is different, and a qualified addiction specialist can help you determine for yourself and your own peace of mind if you are facing the illness of addiction or a different challenge. As you said, no “pat suggestions” are going to instantly solve your problem. But please don’t think that your problem is beyond help. And as I said above, never think that you are alone.

Name Withheld

Making Beds, Making Change [Inbox / Issue 735]

I want to thank Sarah Chana Radcliffe for her piece in Issue 733 about making beds in the morning. My siblings and I were brought up to make our beds each morning before leaving for school. That practice continued in my home, and my five sons made their bed each morning and continued to do so in yeshivah and in the IDF.

I disagree with Ilana Orange, who wrote that insisting children make their bed will take away from something else. I have actually found just the opposite. As Rear Admiral McRaven said, one completed task leads to another one. Once the beds are made, everyone is motivated to leave the bedroom behind, go to daven, learn, and continue with their day.

During COVID-19, making the beds was especially important. There was nowhere to go, and we could have just stayed in bed all day. Instead, once the beds were made, we moved out of the bedroom. We started the routine of studying, davening together, and then studying daf yomi together.

Even now, as things have opened up here in Israel, these positive habits have continued. I do not have a problem with Hashem asking me whether I make my bed each morning. I can answer proudly that making my bed has led me to a life of Torah and mitzvot.

Debra Weiner, MSW

Jerusalem

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 738)